My pregnancy has been super cute in pictures…but I wish there were photographers there when I fainted at Juice It Up before I learned to eat properly…or when I refused to acknowledge my missed period until two months into pregnancy when nausea had started to ruin cigarettes and liquor for me. There weren’t any photographers though, so I’m writing this list as an alternative pregnancy story: to paint a more complete picture of my experience.
1. I’d trade it all in to be able to sleep on my stomach again. (I don’t even know this kid—-I’ve slept on my stomach my entire life.)
2. I was on the pill when I got pregnant—-I was NOT expecting this.
3. I’m horny all the time but I’m too protective of the baby to get the D…it’s torture.
4. My memory is shit.
5. I am due in one week and two days and I can’t bring myself to buy maternity clothes. I hate them.
6. Everyone tells me how I’m glowing but I’ve never felt dryer/crustier/ashier… I’m being drained of all my resources.
7. I never realized how much I did drugs and how little I slept until I found out I was pregnant. Stopped everything cold turkey: cigs, drank, sus,ecstasy, shrooms, acid…and started sleeping regularly. Immediately.
8. I miss the shrooms the most.
9. I constantly feel like a bother. I bother myself. I’m bothered by this sentence. Ugh.
10. I miss my friends.
11. I miss my body.
12. My ass got droopy for a while and I started walking 2-2.5 miles a day and doing some calisthenic shit.
13. My ass looks fantastic now…and I’m not going to stop working out a little everyday. It’s better for the baby if my muscles are intact. I’ve decided.
14. I haven’t read any baby books. I don’t intend to.
15. My doctor sucks balls.
16. I’m so happy I know so many mothers because they have been the griots of my life. I get gems through word of mouth—-no need for books by “experts”.
17. I’m SO happy I’m having a boy and I’m just as happy about who I’m having him with.
18. And I don’t even know what kind of family we’ll have since we’re both single right now…but—hold on let me check—yep, still happy. 🙂
19. Now that I’m pregnant all I see is pregnant people.
20. I still care more about cat videos than baby videos.
21. Everyday I think: FUCK EVERYONE WHO’S SUGGESTED I NOT NAME MY SON WOLVERINE. Then I laugh.
MAKE LOVE & DO WORK,